Thursday, December 20, 2007

Wish List for Moms

Dear Santa,

I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold sixty-two cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shade tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my list out over several Christmases, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon, on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who knows when I'll find any more free time in the next 18 years.

Here are my Christmas wishes:
I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache (in any color, except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy.

If you're hauling big ticket items this year I'd like finger print resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, a television that doesn't broadcast any programs containing talking animals or an oversized purple dinosaur. And a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone.

On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, 'Yes, Mommy' to boost my parental confidence, along with two kids who don't fight and three pairs of jeans that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools.

I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting 'Don't eat in the living room' and 'Take your hands off your brother,' because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog.

If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container.

If you don't mind, I could also use a few Christmas miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It wouldbe helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family.

Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Have a safe trip and remember to leave your wet boots by the door and come in and dry off so you don't catch cold. Help yourself to cookies on the table but don't eat too many or leave crumbs on the carpet.

Yours Always,


P.S. One more can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children, healthy, safe and of course, young enough to always believe in Santa.


Momma Roar said...

I was actually gonna post this either today or tomorrow - LOL - I love it!!! I would really love the recording of the Tibetan monks for the chant! ;-)

I especially love the PS!

Merry Christmas,
Leigh Ann

nickernoodle said...

That was great! How true, how true. I sometimes feel that our families take us for granted. Sure the dads get all the glory when they put up shelving or the swingset but us moms do all the behind the scenes work. So, I applaud all moms reading this because I am there with you and hope that Santa brings you a little something special this year! Have a Merry Christmas Michelle!

Heidi Jo said...

i think i posted that last christmas. could it be any more spot on? i mean seriously- it's kind of like that youtube of "i'm the mom" just says it all.

Anonymous said...

Funny, I've requested this for years and they always seem to be out of those things when my turn comes around.

Merry Christmas dear friend. Praying your heart will not be lonely for home and family.

May God's light shine brightly on you and your home.

Just Mom said...

LOVED this.

btw .. your ketchup remark reminded me:

"In 1981, Congress ordered the United States Department of Agriculture to issue new standards for federally financed school lunch programs, which would enable schools to economize; one of the USDA's proposals was to classify ketchup as a vegetable. The suggestion was widely ridiculed and the proposal was killed."

Lisa H said...

This is so cute. Love it!

"I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the seventh month of my last pregnancy."<--I've been thinking that one recently! :)

gaylafriend said...

love it!

all i want for christmas is an obedient 4 year old. is that expecting too much???

Tami said...

Love this letter! Have a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.